


It's Time

by orphan_account



Category: Hiveswap
Genre: Angst, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, a bit of self actualization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 11:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21474922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is absurdly self indulgent and I should definitely be sleeping right now but I must word vomit.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	It's Time

On the thirteenth bilunar perigee of the of the twelveth dark season Lynera Skalbi did not get any sleep at all. She spent all day in her respiteblock, cleaning. She retrieved a mop and a bucket full of water from the utility closet and set to clearing up the rainbow on her floor. For the stains she drenched the room in peroxide, not caring what stench it left. She would not have to deal with it for much longer and she wasn't particularly bothered by the idea of one of her cloistermates being accosted by the smell. Once the liquid mess was absorbed she set her self upon the more difficult parts of the task.

For starters, she had to get an entire iron maiden out of the brooding caverns undetected. Lynera first donned a long robe and thick gloves. She had completed this task before, albeit several sweeps ago. Using a handtruck she hoisted the coniferous sarcophagus and quietly navigated through the labyrinthine caverns with experienced precision. Lynera could be exceptionally good at being stealthy, but only when alone. Once another person entered the room she couldn't help but be loud and frantic. It was of no consequence to her that she was leaving the caverns. Everyone sneaked out from time to time. It was especially of no consequence today.

With the iron maiden disposed of in a less than eloquent manner, in the closest dumpster, she then set forth on her most challenging chore. She couldn't possibly let anyone see these pictures. She'd rather be struck dead on the spot. Burning them was out of the question; lighting a fire in the caverns would be detrimental to her plans. She went with a more manual approach, taking a sharp pair of scissors to every single pictorial depiction of a figure that meant anything to her. With the tiny shreds of her heart scattered across the floor, amorphous and indistinguishable, she swept them up and placed them in the trash. Her tears never stopped flowing through any part of this, nor did her hands stop shaking.

She knew she was an idiot, and she knew that she was disgusting. Pernicious words rang out in her mind at all times unable to be silenced. She allowed this to happen. She didn't fight back. She was as disgusted with herself as She would be. Her. At this point Lynera couldn't even think about her. Ordinarily when Lynera closed her eyes, she saw Her and warmth would flow through her heart and body. She only knew peace when she thought about Her. And she knew that that was awful. She knew that She was just a girl. She was just another troll living an honest life. She was caring and merciful and composed and everything that Lynera wasn't. Maybe that was why she treated her as though She brought Lynera into existence. As though she could only see when she was around Her. As though she would not continue to breath if She was away from her for too long. Why she was willing to harm anyone who came near Her. Lynera thought herself repulsive. A miserable wretch. A parasite clinging to the skirt of a goddess. 

She had always known how unhealthy she was, and she had always known that she was aware of it. Somehow, while completely lucid, she had allowed herself to become lost in the obsession. She knew when she went too far. She knew when she was doing something wrong, but she kept doing it. It was the only thing that made her feel any scrap of content. It was an addiction. And it was killing her and everything around her. It was why She wouldn't talk to her, and honestly, who could blame Her? She had always known that Bronya was just a girl, but she had deluded herself into thinking that Lynera wasn't. That Lynera wasn't a living breathing being unless Bronya said she was. It was time to prune her thoughts.

Her books were excusable, and if she was being honest she didn't think she had it in her to destroy any of her other possessions. Until the sun set she killed her time by reading as many of her books as she possibly could. Although her thoughts were frenzied, her body moved as though it was anesthetized. Everything was slow and sluggish and even her eyes moved from word to word lazily. Her face tingled and she could feel the dehydration from crying so much. She sat in a small ball on the floor, books scattered about her. She curled around the one she was reading, trying to make herself as small as possible and to perhaps derive as much comfort as she could from her warm sweater and skirt.

When the moons broke the horizon Lynera had composed herself. Her hair was well brushed, her clothes were freshly washed and dried, and her face looked as though she hadn't shed a tear in at least a day. She looked far more put together than she normally did. It would be inaccurate to say she felt this way, but at the same time she had found much more peace than she ever had before. It was her wriggling day, and most looked at her with tentative smiles. As though thought that she herself was unaware. Everyone was acting obscenely kind. Daraya seemed to at least pretend to behave, and Lanque stayed silent, which was probably his best way of being kind to Lynera. Wanshi, who was ordinarily exhausted by anything Lynera had to say, seemed to practically cling to her skirt all evening. She engaged her in friendly conversation as though they had always been on good terms. It hurt Lynera to see Wanshi be so kind to her. Not because of her sense of self loathing, but because she wishes she could have let Wanshi feel comfortable enough around her that they could always have this dynamic. But Lynera hadn't treated Wanshi like that, and she reaps what she sows. 

Bronya looked Lynera in the eye, not out of courtesy but out of empathy. She smiled, one indistinguishable from her normal one, but Lynera could easily tell how much pain it hid. Bronya was trying her best to liven the mood. For once, everyone seemed to follow Bronya's silent command with out question. Lynera tried to look Bronya in the eye and respond lively to the attention the girl was giving her, but she felt nothing from it. No warmth, no joy. She knew that she should be so thrilled to be getting the undivided attention from the one person who mattered to her most, but in that moment she felt as though she were talking to someone who was merely an acquaintance. 

Hours melted away and soon Lynera's time would come, but she wanted it to be on her own terms. Lynera lived her life as a vessel, as but a servant to a greater power. It was time for her to act for herself. To take what she needed. Wanshi was the first she said goodbye to. The young girl stood strong, with unshed tears in her eyes. Lynera looked down at this child, so incredibly clever and bright and thought for a moment that the caverns would be in good hands. She felt a sense of pride in how strong Wanshi's character was, in her bravery and intelligence, and how she knew who she was. Her second goodbye was to Lanque. Although they were not necessarily enemies, they were most certainly not friends. His face was apathetic, but when she said her goodbyes his eyes seemed to linger on hers for a long time. Daraya was next. This one was difficult. Daraya never cared for Lynera in the slightest. Their personalities were highly polar and they did not mix well. Although she hid it, she seemed a bit bothered as she mumbled her goodbyes. Now, no one was next.

Lynera left the cavern only saying four goodbyes, exactly as she intended. She then set off into the night to her new life. She knew Bronya would be frantic when she found out she had left already, but Lynera did not allow herself to ponder on that for long. She had a new life to get to, one free from who she was before.


End file.
